The Hanson Complex: What Were You Doing When You Were 14?

The Olympics are inspirational, aren't they? The world's best (and often best-looking, hello Ryan Lochte) athletes converge to break records, push their bodies to the limit, and demonstrate what hard work can really do. But after I'm done basking in Team America's reflected glory, googling leotards and vowing to go to the gym more, I am left with a small seed of disappointment in myself.

What could I have possibly been the best at if I had really dedicated myself to it? I took piano lessons for a few months as a kid but quit when my teacher made me cry. I also took gymnastics but quickly grew too tall and busty to really be a success. Cross-stitch? Reading? GAH!

I refer to this feeling as the Hanson Complex (official psychological term), as the first time I felt this way, I was 14 which was two years older than Taylor Hanson (that lovely specimen on the left) when MmmmBop was released. Hanson, unlike Britney Spears who also hit the scene at a young age, wrote all their own music and played all their own instruments. These boys are now all married with multiple children and continue to MmmmBop themselves all the way to the bank.



But at 14, did I really have the motivation to completely dedicate myself to one thing? Did I even like one thing enough to know I wanted to dedicate all my free time and my family's free time to it? ISN'T HIGH SCHOOL HARD ENOUGH, DAMN IT?

In Malcom Gladwell's book 'Outliers', neurologist Daniel Levitin is quoted saying, 'The emerging picture from such studies is that ten thousand hours of practice is required to achieve the level of mastery associated with being a world-class expert--in anything.' 

While it's never too late to learn a new skill and I truly love trying new activities, ten thousand hours sounds like a lot to me, particularly when there are so many 'Real Housewives' seasons I need to catch up on. So yeah. I suppose I will have to reside myself to being a well-rounded 'Jill of All-Trades, Master of None' until BRAVO stops airing such addicting television.

Can I Have That In A Sentence With No Misspellings, Please?

Spelling Bees give me hope for the future. Like, stand up and cheer as though you're watching the end of Rudy hope. These kids are going places (probably the library). If  I were to ask 10 adults in their twenties and thirties on the street how to spell 'dirigible', which is one of the words recently spelled successfully by my new hero 6-year-old Lori Ann Madison at the National Spelling Bee, probably about half would spell it correctly. I would also guess that even fewer people know the definition, but that's neither here nor there.

Of course, I don't judge people based solely on their spelling skills. That's what appearance is for, right? And what with spell check, autocorrect and the like, it's almost as though you don't need to know how to spell anymore, unless of course you want to qualify for the National Spelling Bee and have your five minutes of fame on television (a great incentive). Or if you're an adult who wants to appear competent.

Recently, the Associated Press released an article discussing whether texting is ruining the art of conversation. Check it out:

http://www.boston.com/business/technology/articles/2012/06/04/is_texting_ruining_the_art_of_conversation/?page=3

I'd also suggest that texting is one of the factors maintaining poor spelling and grammar. To many younger generations, 'before' has become 'b4', 'your' is  'ur', and no one seems to know the difference between 'there', 'their', and 'they're' or even care. This is not a huge deal when you are texting or even writing a quick email to a friend. It's when the text shorthand begins creeping its way into term papers, resumes (something I definitely saw at my previous job), etc. that a few minor spelling mistakes could have major results. What a shame to be overlooked for a job because you didn't use spell check!

Not everyone is a natural born speller or a nerd who read the dictionary as a child, like myself. But with a little effort and this handy poster, I am sure everyone can achieve a basic spelling foundation, B4 ITS TOO L8.

Peace.

They misunderestimated me: George W. Bush and I have the same IQ

So after taking a peek at an article today on celebrity IQs, (I had to confirm that I'm smarter than OJ Simpson) I discovered that George W. Bush and I share an IQ of 125. AMAZING. While G Dubbya and I do not share the same political views, I always thought he'd be a hoot to go share a few beers with, maybe play a game of darts or two, devise ways to balance the budget on a cocktail napkin, etc. Here is a listing of the top 10 Bushisms:

http://politicalhumor.about.com/cs/georgewbush/a/top10bushisms.htm

We fall a few brainy points above JFK and Britney Spears (also smarter than OJ Simpson) but well below Reggie Jackson and Shakira. This basically means folks, that I totally have the smarts to run for President OR be a gyrating pop-singer. The world is my oyster. Who knows what's next, Kim Kardashian for mayor?

Palm Sunday Eggcellence

While many other Christians were enjoying their ham with a side of Cadbury Creme Eggs yesterday, as a Russian Orthodox Christian I still have one more week of fasting and church to go before celebrating on April 15. In case you were wondering why the Orthodox celebrate Easter on a different date, we can thank the Julian calendar which dictates that Easter must occur after the Vernal Equinox, after Passover, with the first full moon in Spring, and on a Sunday after March 21. The Gregorian calendar followed by all other Christians basically uses the same determing factors except for Passover (even though, the Last Supper which Jesus celebrated with his apostles the day before His crucifixation was a seder, so I personally think that the date of Passover is an important determinant).

Ok, stop yawning, I'm done with the history lesson! In the spirit of Easter season though, my brother and sister-in-law came down to Virginia to make traditional Ukranian pysanky eggs which are Easter eggs decorated with melted beeswax. The technique is as follows: You dip a stylus in wax, melt wax in a candle flame, write your first design on the egg, dye the egg a light color, wait for the egg to dry, write your second design on the egg, dye the egg a darker color, wait for the egg to dry, repeat until you have the desired design and colors. You then remove the wax by holding the egg near the candle's flame and wiping it off with a soft cloth.            

If you have a steady hand, patience flowing through your veins, and an egg dye kit that isn't a PAS one from CVS, you could potentially make eggs that look something like this:



I have none of these. Here is my paisley chicken.

I hope everyone had a joyful Passover, Easter, Spring Equinox, Palm Sunday, Bubba Watson winning weekend!

Haters Gonna Hate

Did anyone else stumble upon an article or two yesterday about Samantha Brick, a British journalist who recently authored an essay discussing the hardships of being of being really, really, ridiculously good-looking?

If you haven't, below is an excerpt:

"Throughout my adult life, I’ve regularly had bottles of bubbly or wine sent to my restaurant table by men I don’t know. Once, a well-dressed chap bought my train ticket when I was standing behind him in the queue, while there was another occasion when a charming gentleman paid my fare as I stepped out of a cab in Paris."

"Another time, as I was walking through London’s Portobello Road market, I was tapped on the shoulder and presented with a beautiful bunch of flowers. Even bar tenders frequently shoo my credit card away when I try to settle my bill."

"It’s hard when everyone resents you for your looks. Men think 'what’s the point, she’s out of my league' and don’t ask you out. And women don’t want to hang out with someone more attractive than they are."

You might now be thinking to yourself, ‘Sheesh, what kind of goddess is she? Long, flowing, locks, angelic features, a body to die for?’ Or maybe……………

Well, haters gonna hate, y'all! Some of the comments attached to the articles I read were downright cruel from calling her article a belated April Fool's Day joke to 'We need to remember that British hot is American not-on-meth' (ok, that was pretty funny). Some people even seemed personally offended at her perception of herself, as though her thinking she is beautiful made them in some way less beautiful.

But what actually persuaded me to write about Ms. Brick today is that even though I do think she borders on grandiose and is perfectly average-looking, I slightly admire her confidence in herself. Even with all the naysayers, she thinks she's hot shit.  Actually, not even just hot shit--the hottest of shits EVER!

On days when you're feeling low because money's tight, pants are tight, wouldn't it be nice to have such self-assurance to remind you that you're still a total treat?

Making Obama Proud by Running an 8 Minute Mile

MY GOD, I LOVE THIS PICTURE AND WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITH THIS LITTLE KID.  Anyways, I recently read an article about a 35-year-old man who thought it might be fun to retake the SATs to see how he faired as an adult. Doesn't sound like my idea of a fun Saturday afternoon, but to each his own.

In the same spirit of drudging up old painful memories while I was huffing and puffing away at the gym today, I thought, 'Hey, Michelle! I wonder how you'd do now on the Presidential Fitness Test!'

Ah, the almighty Presidential Fitness Test--never failing to remind me just how slow and weak I really was in grade school. One area where I was a total champion though was the sit-and-reach test which was meant to gauge flexibility. Did you know that being awesome at the sit-and-reach test predicts success later in life?*

I've made sincere progress in my fitness since then. I can now run a mile (or two or three!) without dying and have developed both lower and upper body strength so to appease my curiosity, I plan on retaking the President's Fitness Challenge. I'll share my results in a subsequent post and even if it's not the confidence boost that I hope it is, at least I won't be wearing ugly gym shorts this time around and that's a good start.







*oops, not a real fact, but it should be, right?

Is Lent the Best Diet Ever?

While as a child Lent meant replacing my Disney afteschool lineup with religious epics (my brother and I can quote almost all of 'The Ten Commandments' and 'Jesus of Nazareth'), eating spaghetti for dinner at least twice a week, and spending what felt like endless hours in church, as an adult I have come to know Lent as a time of renewal both spiritually and physically.  

As an Orthodox Christian, if I were to strictly follow lenten guidelines, as a general rule I would abstain from meat and dairy products for the entire forty days, including the week preceding the beginning of Lent and the week before Easter, for a total of 56 days.

On Wednesdays and Friday, which are considered strict fast days, I would also abstain from oil, fish with backbones, and alcohol. I am the first to admit this is way too challenging for me to do, even for just 56 days. Sorry, Jesus!

I do abstain from meat during Lent which means more veggies on my plate and this year, I have challenged myself to abstain from alcohol. While my body is currently still adjusting to these changes, I know that by the end of my lenten journey my body will feel more nourished and refreshed.

Lent is also the perfect time for 'spring cleaning' your soul and eliminating the distractions that take you away from your purpose. I hope that this Lent I will make the time to mediate more, exercise more, be outside a little more, and do more things that make me happy. As a Christian, I can't ignore that Jesus is the reason I observe Lent in the first place. But I also think that one of the best ways I can thank Jesus for His ultimate sacrifice is to acknowledge that His spirit lives within me and to take better care of myself.

That being said, Jesus and I hope to see y'all at Ramparts for wing night April 18.

Nude Attitude

In the spirit of my previous posts on aesthetic adventures, I found myself at Spa World in Centreville, VA on President's Day. Before actually making the decision to trek all the way out on 66, I was careful to read the reviews on Yelp, as honestly, I had no idea what to expect. Reviews were mixed, with the main concern being the required nudity in certain areas of the facility. Ahhh, Americans! Pssh!

Nudity--my own and that of others--does not bother me, so I decided to take the plunge. When you arrive, your shoes are immediately taken from you and you are required to go shoeless for the remainder of the stay. Before heading to the whirlpool area, I went to the gym to get in a quick workout where I found other Spa World visitors working out barefoot. Is this unappealing to anyone else? Maybe my problem is with foot nudity? Thank goodness I had my running shoes hidden in another bag and was able to shoe up before getting on any of the equipment.

After I was done exercising, I made my way to the whirlpool/sauna area. I'm not totally retracting my statement that nudity doesn't bother me (well, non-foot nudity), but I will say that since it was very crowded when I went, I think the proximity to other naked people took some adjusting to. Once I blocked out the fact that I was thisclose to Naked Nancy and her bff Buff Betty, the whirlpool was actually very relaxing. And for those of you wondering-- no one had a Miami Beach body, so men, stop your fantasizing about a bunch of hot girls prancing about in a pool of water, and ladies, no worries about how you look in your birthday suit.

Once I was done in the whirlpool, I made my way to the poultice rooms, which were basically heated rooms featuring different minerals. This was all good until I decided to test out the 'Red Clay Ball' room, which is a room heated to about 103 degrees that has little clay balls the size of marbles all over the floor. Yes, there was a sign that read 'Watch Your Step' and yes, I thought that I was watching my step. I guess I also wanted the other 10 people who were half-asleep in this room to also watch my step when I fell face forward into their sleeping area. Oh, heeeeeeey, sorry, did I wake you?

At this point, I decided I had enough of bare boobies and tripping, so I got myself a bubble tea and bounced. All in all, it was a fun and interesting experience. I'd go again on a non-holiday!

IN YO' FACE!

I am an aesthetics adventurer! I've been using myself as a guinea pig for as long as I can remember in a lighthearted attempt to have luxurious hair and glowing skin. And at times, it truly is an experiment; In high school, I put raw egg in my hair because I read in 'Seventeen' that it would make my hair super shiny. Instead, I ended up with partially scrambled eggs in my hair as I used hot water instead of cold to rinse it out. Hmmm, breakfast.

Other times, I've been more successful. After a so-so haircut, I always take pre-natal vitamins to help nourish my hair and encourage growth. It totally works! And if you need to get rid of a zit quickly, crush one uncoated aspirin, mix it with honey and lemon juice, and apply it to your face. The aspirin acts as an exfoliant and decreases inflammation while the honey and lemon have anti-bacterial properties that start attacking the blemish. BOOM.

Currently though, I'm embarking upon the world of anti-aging products. While I don't have too many wrinkles just yet, I would like to stop them in their tracks, lest I have to overcompensate for them later in life and end up looking like Kenny Rogers. Things I am incorporating into my routine include: rosehip seed oil, grapeseed oil, Omega-3-6-9, and foods high in anti-oxidants.

I will also be trying face yoga--no stretchy pants needed!

Bun in the Oven

For those of you who clicked on this post thinking that a) I'm pregnant or b) I put Hay Hay in the oven--NO NO NO!

This past Saturday I went to my lovely friend Lorraine's baby shower. Now part of me is in total denial that my friends and I are of the appropriate age to be having babies and I feel as though I'm watching my own non-white trash version of MTV's '16 and Pregnant', but nonetheless, I am very excited to soon have more miniature playmates. And pick out teeny tiny baby fashions. 

As I am basically a Calvin Klein for wee babes, I expertly designed this at the shower:

My dear friend Maura, who designs for the house of baby Chanel, crafted this:

So now that the baby has some beautifully designed pieces, let's get that bun out of the oven!

This is Why You're Single

Do you feel like being really uncomfortable at your desk right now? Perhaps that side of extra greasy fries at lunch didn't quite do the trick. Let me help you with this step-by-step instructional kissing video brought to you by Jamie Otis of the Bachelor.

http://www.examiner.com/tv-in-oklahoma-city/watch-ben-and-jamie-kiss-video

Jamie, you're cute as a button and so very well-intentioned...but this is why you're single.



P.S. For those of you who knew me in college--yeah, this straddle looks familiar. But the wiser, more mature Michelle knows this is not the way to go. At least not on national television.

If ya like it then you cana take a class on it

Leave it up to New Jersey. Rutgers University's Department of Women's and Gender Studies will soon be offering 'Politicizing Beyonce', a class that will explore the social and cultural significance of Beyonce's music and image. Does she exemplify female empowerment? Or is she the prototype of gender stereotypes singing lyrics like, 'All up in the kitchen in my heels, dinner time. Do whatever that it takes, he's got a winner's mind. Give it all to him'?

I have nothing against Beyonce. I've been known to throw my hands up when 'Independent Women' comes on. To shake it like that, alley cat to 'Get Me Bodied'. She is obviously an extremely hardworker and quite the entrepreneur.

While I am not convinced of this class' worth, it will be interesting to follow-up in a few months after students have had the opportunity to discuss the responsibility Beyonce holds in creating her own image and debate the target audience of this video. I think an equally interesting discussion would be though why Rutgers didn't choose to offer a class on Hillary Rodham Clinton or Condoleeza Rice.

Orange Ya Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

If you were to open my closet, you would no doubt be swimming in a sea of grays, pinks, and purples. I trust gray. I understand gray. It's a great neutral that matches everything and is a champion at hiding sweat. (That's if I were to sweat, which I don't--I GLOW.) And pink and purple are there to spice things up as needed.

Well it looks like 2012 just got spicier! Pantone has listed its color of the year as 'Tangerine Tango', which can be described as 'a spirited reddish orange that continues to provide the engery boost we need to recharge and move forward'. Don't these ladies look energized? ;)



I actually like tangerine tango and will definitely test out this trend, although most likely initially in makeup or nail polish form.



But if I start abusing this color and attempt to go all around orange--somebody please tango me towards another color palette.

Celebrity Womp Womp: Katherine Heigl UPDATE

Daily Candy has sweetened the pot! Today's deal for 'One for the Money' includes a fitness assessment, a two-week Curves membership, and a one-year subscription to Curves magazine. Katherine--you will always have Grey's.

Size Sassy!

While the cereal itself leaves something to be desired in my opinion, I adore the Special K commercial that features a woman shopping for 'Size Radiant' jeans. For your viewing pleasure:

My thesis project at NYU was centered around a body image (meaning a person's perception of the aesthetics and sexual attractiveness of his or her own body) study in which I showed freshman students a lineup of identical bodies, manipulating only the waist-to-hip ratio of each figure. The lineup looked similar to the figure below:

I asked each student to show me where she thought her body fell on the lineup, then after taking her measurements, showed her where she actually fell on the lineup. Members of the experimental group were told the curviest figure (about a .35--which doesn't exist in nature) was the average woman's body while the control group was shown where the average woman actually falls on the lineup (somewhere between .70-.80). I proposed that the women who thought their body was average or 'above average' would rate higher on scales of body-esteem and body-image, while the women who thought their body was farther from the average would rater lower. This data supported this trend and in addition, many of the women had a hard time differentiating between body shape and perceived fatness. All of the figures I showed them were the same weight, just a different shape.

My advisor mentioned to me that she would love to create an alternate study in which female students would try on a pair of jeans that they would be told was their size, but the jeans would really be a size larger or a size smaller to see how that affected their body-esteem. Any woman who went into the store thinking she was a size 8 but ended up needing a 10 or 12 could attest to how this feels--pretty lousy, as since childhood, the media send women the pernicious message that thinness equals value and good. But she shouldn't feel poorly--for more reasons just than one's worth is not determined even remotely by dress size.

Women's sizing in particular has been unstandardized in America since the 1920's although not due to lack of trying. In the 1940's the federal goverment commisioned a study of the American female body in an attempt to create some semblance of standard sizing, as wealthy women (who previously wore made-to-order digs) were now interested in purchasing ready-to-wear clothing, and God forbid you piss off a wealthy woman who is ready to shop.

Thanks to the military, by the War of 1812 men already had a loose sizing system based on chest measurement (with the idea that the remaining proportions could be figured out based on that one stat). Producers of womenswear soon followed suit, using the bust as its one measurement for size. NOW WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG HERE.

Even after funding multiple projects that involved taking women's measurements, formulating sizes on height, weight and other various indexes, the government had still failed to come up with a distinct standard. (These projects were bound to fail regardless as the measurements of women of color were discarded and measurements of fitter-than-most women who served during World War II were added, thus skewing results.) Yet here and there, these faulty statistics STILL keep working their way into contemporary sizing, according to ASTM International, which is an organization that develops voluntary product standards. The new trend though is toward vanity sizing, or the phenomenon of ready-to-wear clothing of the same nominal size becoming larger over time, basically in order to accomodate the growing American waistline. And breast implants.

But other than the annoyance of trying on multiple sizes, does it really matter? The government can't get it right, how can we expect Old Navy to? Wear what fits, don't wear what doesn't. Detach your feelings to the arbitrary number on the tag and be a Size Sassy!

The Biggest La-hoo-sa-her

I love a good success story whether it be a kid learning how to ride a bike or a tiny rabbit jumping a fence. (This post is actually my success story of the day, as the interwebs malfunctioned and did not save my first draft, but look at me--I came back!) Since I love seeing people's hard work pay off, you might assume that I like NBC's 'The Biggest Loser'. WRONG!

'The Biggest Loser' really grinds my gears for multiple reasons. Is it really a good idea to lose 20 lbs in a week? As a general rule, weight that is quickly lost is also quickly gained. And the whole mindset of 'go hard or go home' is appropriate for fit indiviuals, but these contestants are starting at the very beginning fitness wise. Throwing them into situations where they are squatting over 400 lbs on weak joints or doing high-impact exercises does not exactly equal safety or integrity. Doctors are on hand and drastic times call for drastic measures--but if a contestant hurts himself because he overtrained, that will certainly delay progress even more.

And have you ever tried losing 5 lbs in a week? IT'S HARD, BITCHES. I just know some woman named Henrietta out in North Dakota is throwing on some spandex, attempting to haul 75 lbs worth of gardening supplies on a sled to represent the fat she wants to lose (didn't they do that with sandbags as a challenge once?), and then getting frustrated when the weight isn't peeling off. It's very easy to forget that the contestants on 'The Biggest Loser' have all day and night to exercise and a kitchen with a limited food supply. The average person might have only a few hours a week and access to Ho-Hos. Lethal combo.

Finally, can NBC keep things dignified and please throw them all a tee-shirt for the weigh in?

Celebrity Womp Womp: Katherine Heigl

Awww, Katherine Heigl. I saw in yesterday's Groupon email that they are selling half-priced tickets to see her new movie, 'One for the Money'---which hasn't even opened yet! I suppose there is a strong suspicion that the flick will not reach the ranks of '27 Dresses', 'The Ugly Truth' or the above coif.

Blame it on the Rain

Stormy nails in honor of the drizzle and ice. Milli Vanilli in honor of awesomeness.

The mail order bride of coffees

I work dangerously close to a Starbucks. Dangerously close! So close in fact, that I can borrow their free wi-fi from the comfort of my office to fuel my Words with Friends addiction. During my morning coffee run, I saw a new coffee featured: Starbucks Blonde. Described as 'Mild and mellow, the lighter roast perfected' I decided to give it a try (God forbid there be a new Starbucks menu item and I not try it) and ordered a 'tall Blonde'. Realizing what just came out of my mouth, I tried to joke with the barista by saying, 'Oooh, but who doesn't want a tall blonde who likes long walks on the beach, am I right?'

Response: 'He.' *abruptly turns away*


DAMN IT! Anyways, for those of you who are interested in having a tall blonde ALL for yourself, it is light, smooth and overall non-offensive (apparently unlike my sense of humor). There is no burnt or earthy aftertaste that I sometimes get with a regular Pike at Starbucks. Plus, the packaging and accoutrements are all yellow like a sunshiney day! I'd have it again on a day when I'm not craving a stronger brew, but in general, I don't think Blonde coffee has more fun.

Who are you reading, darling?

Reading has always held an important spot within my list of favorite things, right along with sleeping, jumping rope, and tulips. During middle school in particular, it was rare to see me without a book. I truly enjoyed escaping from my reality of braces and bad hair via the world of Nancy Drew or commiserating about said braces and hair with all of Judy Blume's characters. In any case, I still love to read as an adult and am on a constant quest to appease that hunger. Recently exhausting the free book offerings of interest on both my Kindle and iPad, I turned to the two most logical book referral methods--facebook and Oprah's Book Club. (Aw, did you think I went to the library? You're cute.) About half of Oprah's Book Club's selections have been turned into Lifetime made-for-tv movies, and in that I trust. After researching my options, I decided upon 'The Heart is a Lonely Hunter' by Carson McCullers which tells the tale of outcasts and their longing for self-expression and human connection. Who are you reading, darling?

Resolutions, y'all

Snaps for me! It's 16 days into the New Year and I have finally initiated one of my New Year's resolutions--to start a blog. (By the by, those of you who went to the gym on January 1st and are still going strong are liars.) This blog will most likely be a conglomeration of my random thoughts, fitness endeavors, craft projects and adventures in reading. And of course, the darling antics of my oversized rabbit, Hay Hay. Here she is working on her resolution to find treats and eat them, no matter the obstacle. May you also find your treats and eat them in 2012, friends.